Struggling to Stay in My Lane

I have written before about how my biggest struggle is insecurity. Insecurity about my worth as a person and contribution to the world, insecurity about my intelligence once I didn't get into grad school, insecurity about what I am putting into this space since I don't get as much interaction as I wish for, insecurity about my faith (not that I lack faith in Christ, but that I lack faith in myself to truly live out that belief).

Basically, I deal with a LOT of insecurity. It's less than it was- or, more likely, I have just somewhat learned to deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean I tell that sucky little voice in my head to STFU and barrel through life doing what I have to do. 

This has worked for a while, and still does to an extent.

But every now and then...I desperately want some external validation.

I'm not sure if it's being a new mom, or if it's approaching 30 and not being quite where I thought I would be in life. Maybe it's the fact that some of my co-workers act like I am a terrible person because...our department has a budget and regulations that I don't even set.


I just know it's been harder to tell that little voice to fuck off lately. 

I am taking little comments personally and having conversations in my head where basically everyone is fighting me and letting it color my actual relationships even though it's just my imagination.

I'm not entirely sure what to do about this. But the good thing is, even amidst this doubt I am seeing confirmation. I am seeing confirmation that I am helpful in some situations, confirmation that I am following His plan even if it's by taking baby steps. Maybe one day I will shut that little voice off once and for all. Until then...I cling to the knowledge that it is a liar.

1 comment

  1. I don't know if it will help, but I like you! I feel like we often has opposing viewpoints on things, but then we have interesting discussions about it and I always enjoy it. So hopefully I don't come across as negative when I comment here! Good luck kicking that little voice to the curb - it's not useful or wanted here!!!